I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
