if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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