She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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