I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
