You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
