She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
