Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
