better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize