She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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