pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
