Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
