I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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