Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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