No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose