dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.