All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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