So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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