I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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