im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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