We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
