Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
