i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
