oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
