Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I need help removing her.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
