if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
