Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
