You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
