The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
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And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
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I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.