Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
