you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
