Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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