Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Randomize
