when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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