woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
