...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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