she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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