Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
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