capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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