i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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