I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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