Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
