I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
