I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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