Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
