I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
