the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
It's rum buckets o'clock
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
