tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
