I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
