Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
