I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
