Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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