shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
