just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
When are your genitals available?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
