Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
